A Love like ours is hard to find.
by baby jen
Summary: UPDATED . Please R&R, baby jen Xx ;)
1. Dream Lover

Disclaimer: bla bla-you get my meaning!  
  
AN: IN response to the lovely reviews for my fic "Love lifts us up where we belong" I decided to write another carter/susan fic.  
Hope you enjoy it!! Baby jen.XX  
  
Again I wanna say that i havent seen season 8 so my apologies for any errors etc. I've created my own little situations.  
  
The words used are from the song "I know him so well"-Elaine Paige/Barbara Dickenson.   
  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Chapter 1: Dream Lover  
  
Susan tossed and turned for what seemed like all night. It seemed her thoughts kept returning to the same thing.   
The same person. And eachtime she thought of him-her heart fluttered before inevitably sinking.   
  
  
********************  
Wasn't it good?  
Wasn't he fine?  
Isn't it madness,  
He can't be mine?  
********************  
  
  
Why? Why on earth did she always make the right choices at the wrong times?   
  
They were so right together. But the circumstances they found themselves in weren't. She wasn't what he needed  
right now. But Abby seemed to be. Damn her. Damn the stabbing. Damn her ever leaving. Damn everything.   
What does it matter? Im not what he needs.  
  
  
************************  
In the end he needs a little bit more than me;  
More security...  
I know him so well.  
*****************  
  
  
But damnit I want to be. I know I could make him happy. I know-I KNOW I could. God-he loved me before,  
he knew before I did how right we were. ANd I realised it too late. I...hell I missed him.  
  
  
*********************  
No one in your life is with you constantly.  
No one is completely on your side.  
And though I moved my world to be with him.  
Still The gab between us is too wide.  
**********************  
  
Everything could have been wonderful. They had great chemistry for as long as she could remeber. She could still feel the breath  
of the sweet young med student as he approached her lips with his-that one christmas years ago. Why had she stopped him.  
Why had she not loved him then. WHo know how much aggrivation they could have both spared themselves.  
  
  
***************************************************  
Looking back I could have played it differently.  
Learned to love the man before I planned.  
But we were ever so much younger then.  
Now at least I know I know him well.  
***************************************************  
  
I just thought when I returned he'd still be the same young besotted med student. I thought those feelings I knew he'd harboured for me  
would still be strong. And I would return his affection and everything would just *fit*. I thought our love was timeless. It just   
seemed to fit together so damn perfectly in my head. My foolish head. Where the hell did it all go wrong?   
  
  
***********************************************  
Nothing is so good it lasts eternally.  
Perfect situations must go wrong.  
But this has never yet prevented me.  
Wanting far too much for far too long.  
**********************************************  
  
Sheesh. What a mess. Just when I finally realise what I want in life. Someone pulls the rug out. That whole time I had the most  
caring, kindest sweetest most wonderful man on earth right within my reach-and I never even realised it. And now-it's too late.  
  
  
***************************************  
Wasn't it good?  
Wasn't he fine?  
Isn't it madness,  
He can't be mine?  
  
Didn't I know?  
How it would go,  
If I knew from the start?  
  
Why am I falling apart?  
  
...Isn't it madness he can't be mine?  
...But in the end he needs a little bit more than me, more security,  
I know him so well!!  
*********************************************  
  
She lay there, her thoughts twirling aroungd in her mind before finally settling on his sweet face.  
  
As she thought of him she felt the desire to smile, cry, laugh and scream all at the same time-yet could not find the   
energy to do any.  
  
She was drained. She had lost him-she was sure of that.  
  
She eventually drifted off to sleep, while clutching her pillow to her broken heart -as silent tears rolled down her face, she silently mouthed the words:  
"I Love you Carter" .   
  
At last, she was asleep. In her dreams she would feel his breath against her lips. Feel his gentle touch upon her skin. Hear his warm laugh, and  
feel his caring eyes gaze upon her with love and affection.   
  
Dreams. Her one escape.   
The sleeping world of fantasy was her refuge-for reality left her ...with a broken heart.  
  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
That's chapter 1. Like it? Would you like to read more? Then please R&R and I'll see what i can do for ya!! Baby jen. xx 


	2. Things have changed

Chapter 2:   
  
How did it all begin? Well it was just two weeks ago that she had began working bck at County. Phoenix was ok-but just not  
what she really needed in the long term. Little Suzie was a doll-but could nolonger fill the empty void that lay within her heart.  
As much as she liked to think of herself as an independent woman-the truth was she really needed to be loved. To be held in  
the arms of a loving man.   
  
These last few years she'd spent in phoenix she'd realised this. She'd often found herself daydreaming of being caressed by  
the tall, handsome young man she once knew. To her surprise it was always he that she dremed of. Never Mark. Oh she loved  
Mark dearly-but as a friend and confident. He made her feel at ease. But Carter? John? He made her feel like a woman.  
  
Soon-when the day dreams became more and more frequent, she realised they were accompanied by feelings of regret.  
Regret that in all that time-she had never returned Carter's affections. His thoughtful christas present, dedicating a song to her  
on the radio-the kiss. Well they never actually kissed. And of all the chances she'd never taken-all the things she'd  
never done; it was this that plagued her mind. What if. If only.   
  
How different her life might have been-and all for one simple kiss.   
  
It was these feelings that drove her to return to Chicago-to Cook County. She had to know.  
  
That was two weeks ago...  
  
  
[Flash back to two weeks ago...]  
  
_+_+_+_++_++++_+_+_+_+_+_+  
  
Susan stood at the edge of the amblance bay uncertain of what to expect. What do I say? What do I do?  
When she'd applied for a spot on the phone with Kerry WEaver she'd requested that no one be told of her arrival.   
Discovering that Kerry was appointing her as cheif resident shocked her even more.   
  
"Hell-if that can happen maybe Carter and I DO have a shot"-she chuckled nervously to herself.  
  
"Well-here goes." She thought as she entered the ER.  
  
Nervously she looked around searching for a friendly familiar face. Suddenly a voice yelled to her from behind.  
  
"Susan?"  
  
"Mark!"   
  
Wow-he looked exactly the same! Apart from that scar on his head.  
  
"Susan-YOU'RE the new cheif resident?"  
  
"Apparently so" she laughed.  
  
"Good God-when Kerry said she'd hired someone outside the hospital I thoguht she'd gone nuts-but I see her meaning  
now!"  
  
"Yeah well it's great to be back" Susan beamed.  
  
"Hell-so much has happened, I don't know where to start. I know I'm off in 20 minutes, how about we go grab a bite at Docs  
and I'll fill ya in?"  
  
"Sounds great-I just gotta check in with Kerry, I don't officially start till tomorrow anyway."  
  
"Great-meet ya in the lounge in 20."  
  
"OK-see ya them".  
  
She exhaled slowly. It was so wierd. The last time she'd spoken to him was ti say "she loved him". Now she  
was here trying to win the love of another. Man-she felt uneasy to say the least. What if Mark still cared for her.  
  
She didn't have time to worry over it. Between the warm reception with Kerry-which freaked her out enough!-and the many  
greeting she recieved from Haleh, Malik and Chuny she'd run throught 20 minutes in no time.  
  
To her dismay AND relief she did not bump into Carter. Or Carol or Doug now she thought about it. SHe had seen Peter but  
he'd looked quite angry while arguing with some other admittedly attractive doctor-so she thought she'd save the 'hellos' for another time.  
  
"Ready Susan?"  
  
"Uh-yeah, sure Mark!" She replied uneasily. And with that the two of them set off for Doc Magoos.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Mark and Susan talked for what seemed like hours. He told her all about Elizabeth and Ella-to their mutual surprise it wasn't  
all that awkward. They were neither of them in 'that' place anymore so she was just happy that Mark had finally found his special someone.  
She was upset to learn that Carol and Doug had left-but was on the whole happy that they had finally got together happily ever  
after. Good for Jeannie too.  
She listened to Mark relating various anecdotes about Kerry, Romano-and learnt about all the new folks at county.   
  
"OK-let me get this straight." she siad jokingly to Mark. "Maluccie is the one constantly flirting with Deb -I mean Jing-mei! Cleo is the   
icy chick Peter's dating, Luka's the tall dark handsome foreigner-who until recently used to date Abby-the nurse/med student."  
  
"In a nutshell!" laughed Mark.  
  
Susan realised that nothing had been said of Carter-and it was he whom she was most interested in.  
She casually tried to mention it.  
  
"So-what about Carter-how's he doin'?" she murmered looking at her french frie filled plate.  
  
Mark's face went solemn. He had deliberately avoided the subject of Carter.  
  
"Phew...I'm uh, not sure where to begin."  
  
Susan's heart sank. He must be married.  
  
"he married someone?"  
  
"No-I wish that were it. "  
  
"Well then what?" replied Susan feeling concerned yet relieved at the same time.  
  
Mark leaned over and looked at her seriously. He began to talk.  
  
"Valentine's day 2000. Carter and his med student, Lucy, were attacked by a scizophrenic patient in the er. There was loud music playing  
so no one heard their screams. They were both stabbed several times. Kerry walked in on them some time later and found them-dieing  
on the flooor. We rushed them into surgery. They were both critical to say the least. Carter survived-but his med student didn't."  
  
Susan realised she'd been holding her breath. Mark continued.  
  
"Carter blamed himself for the whole thing-he took it real hard. He felt responsible for her death. He had a hard recovery. He pushed himself  
beyond all human limits by day-and tortured himself with blame by night. Finally when he couldn't take it anymore, he was  
too proud to turn to us, so he turned to his medication. He began to overmedicate. He became addicted to painkillers."  
  
Susan felt the blood drain form her face. Mark continued to speak slowly but surely-though his voice cracked a couple of times.  
  
"One day Abby -the med student- caught him injecting fentenal into his wrist following a trauma wher he was pushed from a gerney-aggrivating  
his injuries. Kerry, Peter, Chen, Anspaugh and myself confronted him about it in the lounge. We told  
him he had to come clean or quit. He denied everything and quit. Peter went after him and somehow convinced him to seek help.  
He spent 3 months in a rehabiltaion centre for doctors in Atlanta. "  
  
Susan gulped slowly before asking nervously "and now?"  
  
"Now? Now he's back at work in the ER, he's been doing a pretty great job considering all he's been through. We monitored him closely-still  
do now i think about it. He seems to have made a remarkable recovery. Can't imagine it must be easy though. And you know-  
even though the signs were there-we never saw it coming. Cause it was Carter-Your mind just dosn't go there, you know?."  
  
Susan nodded silently-she couldn't believe it herself.  
  
Mark saw her pale face and took her hand. "Hey" he said "He's a tough kid-he's doing ok."  
  
She nodded again. "Yeah!" she said quickly realising she hadn't said a word in ages. "Yeah I know-it's just alot  
to take in."  
  
"I understand" said Mark. He got up. "Sorry Suz but I gotta run; Elizabeth will wonder where the hell I am." he quipped.  
  
"Yeah sure, she said. She got up herself-nolonger wanting to touch the french fries that remained on her plate. She couldn't eat.  
  
They said there good byes and Mark dashed off-saying tshe must come over sometime to meet the familly. Susan just stood there   
outside the ambulance bay. She felt gob smacked. She couldn't begin to imagine what carter had gone through. Her heart ached for him.  
  
"Susan?"  
  
Susan took a breath. She knew that voice. That warm voice. She turned and saw him. Tall, handsome with he lovliest eyes and heart felt  
smile. Like a Prince out of a fairy tale. Carter. Sweet Wonderful John Carter.  
  
"Carter!" she exclaimed.  
  
The two embraced and she felt her heart dance. The tiny hairs on the back of her neck tingled.  
  
They broke apart and he looked at her with a great smile on his face.  
  
"wow-it's been so long, I just ran into Haleh-she said you were back, but I couldn't believe it till I saw it! Wow-so your back at County  
eh? "  
  
"seems so. God Carter I missed you!"  
  
"John? John, oh there you are, are you ready?" asked a voice from behind them A voice that Susan was not familiar with.  
  
"Huh? oh Abby, I'm sorry. Abby Lockheart, meet Susan Lewis."  
  
"Pleased to meeet you, John we're gonna be late!" Abby said with a hint of concern in her voice.  
  
"Huh? oh gosh you're right, Susan I'm so sorry I have an...a ...meeting I have to go to,can we meet up tomorrow or   
something and catch up?"  
  
"Sure, no problm I'll see you then" -Susan replied. She'd guessed it was an AA meeting and didn't want to let on that she knew anything just yet. She  
didn't know how to. Still-she did so desperately want to talk to him.  
  
"Great-I'll see you then." he kissed her cheek like a friend would and dashed off with Abby. Hmm...that Abby person must attend the meetings too.  
Well it's good fot John he has someone to go through it with who understands I suppose.  
  
She watched him leave and then set off for home.  
  
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()  
  
Susan sat on her couch in fron of the TV in her rented apartment-barely registering what she was even watching.  
She couldn't get her mind off Carter. She had to talk to him. SHe couldn't wait till tomorrow. She remembered Mark saying that   
he 'd just moved back with his Grand Mother. Before she could change her mind she grabbed a coat and set off for the Carter mansion.  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
She was greeted at the door by a tall and elegantly dressed Butler.  
  
"May I help you Madame?" he enquired politley in a french accent.  
  
"Uh yes, I'm here to see John?"  
  
"Ahh yes-are you a colleague?"  
  
"Colleague and friend-I'm dr. Susan Lewis."  
  
"Ahh, well MAdamne Lewis, I'm afraid Monsieur Carter has retired to his room. "  
  
"oh" Susan relied unhappily. Her face fell. The butler sam the unhappiness etched across her face and took pity on her.  
  
"However, madamne, he's probably just reading-would you like me to summon him? Or show you to his chamber?"  
  
The Butler knew Carter's Grandmother would not ordinarily approve of such things but luckily she had retired early today,   
plus he was sure Carter was awake-as he heard him moving aroud a few minutes ago.  
  
"If you could just point me in the right direction, thanks" mutered Susan gratefully. This house was huge.  
  
"Certainly madamne. Follow me."  
  
*~*  
  
The butler led Susan up a long stair case and down a longer corridor. He stopped and indicated to the room   
at the end, before excusing himself. Susan proceeded towards the door alone. She knocked gingerly.   
  
The door opened, and at the door was Carter-dressed in a robe.  
  
"Hey," he remarked turning beetroot red. "er..." he mumbled no knowing what to say.  
  
"Carter who's there' asked a vaguely familiar voice.  
  
Susan looked at Carter completely puzzled.  
  
"Carter?" she said.  
  
"uh....hey Susan.." replied Carter meekly.  
  
"John...." said the female voice from within the room.  
  
Susan finally understood the situation. Her heart sank as she fought back the urge to scream.  
  
She nodded politely to Carter before slowly saying:   
  
"Hey Carter...Hello again... Abby."   
  
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End of Chapter 2. Loads more to come. It will all start to fit together soon, don't worry! :)  
  
Please R&R, thanks for your time!! Baby Jen Xx 


	3. All I've ever wanted

Chapter 3: All i've ever wanted.  
  
Song lyrics are from Mariah Carey song: All I've ever wanted.  
---------------------------------------------------------  
  
Susan stared in disbelief at the scene in frn of her. Carter stood in a robe at his bed room dorr, Abby now standing beside him  
in her own creme cloured robe. The two of them red and dishveled.   
  
"Susan, I , uh...you remember Abby?"  
  
*Good grief* thought Carter *how lame does that sound?*  
  
Susan shook her head as if coming out of some sort of trance.  
  
"heck-sure, yeah ha ha-sorry guys didn't mean to interrupt!" she giggled nervously.  
  
"May we help you" asked Aby slightly impatiently.  
  
"Uh....I..."  
  
*what do I say?*  
  
"I...just wanted to say how sorry I am about the whole valentine's day thing Carter-and everything after it. mark explained  
everything, I'm so sorry."  
  
"Oh." replied Carter. *god* he thought *she knows*. For some reason th fact that she knew really hit him hard. he  
felt ashamed,this was a side of her he never wanted her of all people to see.  
  
"But I'm glad you're doin ok now!" Susan added quickly. "anyway-i've said what i wanted to so I'll let you two 'kids'  
be! ha ha" she laughed again nervously. "So-i guess i'll see you at work tomorrow bright and early!"  
  
"Yeah....sure" Carter replied meekly.  
  
"nice meeting you again" remarked Abby.  
  
"yeah, right. see ya." Susan added as she walked away at a very fast pace.  
  
When she reached the top of the steps she heard John call her name. She turned around and was stood face to face with him.  
She looked up and their gaze met. *Gosh this feels so right* she thought. And he feels it too! I know he must, why come after me  
otherwise.  
  
"Listen Susan..."  
  
"Yes John..."  
  
"I, uh I'm not sure how to say this..."  
  
"Tell me..."  
  
"....well, no one knows about me and Abby yet. not Mark, not my grand mother, not anyone. See, Abby just  
got out of a complicated relationship...So if you could not mention it to anyone right now  
we'd really appreciate it!?"  
  
Her heart stopped. That's all he cared about. Her keeping their precious secret-not *her*.  
  
"Sure, Carter-whatever. See ya tomorrow."  
  
She turned and left without looking back as fast as he could.  
  
Carter stood there after she left a few moments.  
  
*Hmm...she seemed...'odd' about it. Well maybe she was embarassed or something.* he thought and was about to dismiss it   
from his mind till he realised something.   
  
*SHe...she called me 'John'. I don't think she's EVER called me that.*  
  
"hey, ya coming back or what?'" called Abby from the room.  
  
Carter blinked as she interrupted his thoughts.  
  
"Yeah sure Abby" he replied as he walked back to the room and closed the door.  
  
_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+  
  
Susan lay in bed later that night-the first of what would be many restless nights. Her mind dwelled on only one person.  
John Carter.   
  
Finally in attempt to free her heart and mind from the heart break she was experiencing, she switched on the radio.  
To her misfortune, it was Late Night Love-and a Mariah Carey song was playing:  
  
  
If you only knew,  
What I feel for you,  
If you only lived for me,  
The way I lived for you,  
I'd be in heaven'  
My dreams would come true.  
  
'cause all i've ever wanted is you and you alone,  
And I love you so,  
More than you can ever know,  
All i've ever wanted is you.  
  
Everything I do, is for you,  
You are every part of me,  
And I don't wanna wait another day,  
Without your love.  
  
'cause all i've ever wanted is you and you alone,  
And I love you so,  
More than you can ever know,  
All i've ever wanted is you.  
  
The lilting melody brought more tears to her heart-each word was life a dagger in her mind-reflecting exactly how she felt.  
He was all she wanted anymore.  
And it seemed John could never know. John-for the first time she had begun to recently think of him as 'john' and nolonger  
just plain old 'Carter'. He was an amazing *man*-John.  
  
"God, why does it hurt so much" she cried.  
  
She eventually cried herself to sleep. 


	4. Dark Possibilities

Chapter 4: Dark possibilities  
  
  
  
2 weeks went by since that night Susan saw Abby together with John. But to Susan it felt like an eternity. A painfull heart breaking  
experience. Everyday she had to convince herself just to get out of bed. Her mind somehow persuaded her to get  
up everyday, to go to work-to somehow function. But all the while her heart ached. Her heart questioned the point in   
ever doing anything anymore.  
  
At first, after her initial hurt, she thought she might still have a chance. Hell they weren't married, right? She wasn't licked yet.  
But not so very long after 'that night' she overheard a conversation between Abby and Carter.  
  
She had been on a break and decided to go for a walk along the river. SHe sat down on a bench and began to peck at her sandwich.  
Then she realised Abby and John were sat on an adjacent bench talking-completely oblivious to her presence.  
  
She heard what John told her:  
  
"...Abby I promise you, you're all I want, you're all I need! You help me fight my demons and brave the world! You've practically  
saved my lfe. If it weren' for you, I could be dead right now. "  
  
SHe saw Carter lean in front of Abby on one knee-and produced a small box from his pocket. He continued speaking.  
  
"Abby, not so long ago I revealed my feelings for you on this very bench. It seems only fitting that I tell you this here.   
Abby, I already owe you my life; now I pledge to you my heart, my soul and my love. Will you be my wife?"  
  
  
There. In that instant. Susan's life seemed meaningless. Her chance for happiness obliterated in a coffee break.  
She wept silently as she saw Abby embrace him. Her heart cracked as she saw him slide the ring along her finger.  
She couldn't watch. She turned and ran-unnoticed-back to the hospital. Tears streamed down her face. Her soul  
was screaming, her mind raced. She ran into the er, locked herself in a bathroom stall and wept uncontrollably.  
  
Her cries went unheard. for not long after she arrived, so did Carter and Abby. with the 'good' news. Seeing as no one knew of their even dating,  
the news of their engadgment was met with complete shock.   
  
But the majority were reasonably pleased-even Luka was not surprised. But Susan couldn't bear the pain. How she completed her shift that  
day she never knew-but somhow she did. But when she finally reached home, she once again broke down into  
uncontrollable sobs-preparing for another sleepless night.  
  
_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+__+_  
  
So much can happen in a couple of weeks. Hell-a couple of MINUTES!   
  
Before anyone noticed-2 months had passed. Only two more left before Abby and Carter were ste to tie the knott.  
  
Susan took each day at a time-with every day becoming that little bit harder to endure.  
  
One morning she walked into the Doctors Lounge to see Carter sat at the desk-holding his head while wincing.  
  
"Carter? You ok?" she asked concerned.  
  
"Huh-oh yeah, I gotta head ache that's all."  
  
"Oh-well maybe it's just stress from weddding planning and stuff! ha ha." Susan laughed uncontrollably at the mere mention of the  
damn wedding.  
  
"Yeah your're right, ha!!"  
  
Carter got up and added:  
  
"Better go check the board i guess, catch ya later Lucy!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What?" he looked at her puzzled.  
  
"Carter-you called me..."  
  
"Yeah?" He started to look confused.  
  
She looked at him. He *did* call her Lucy-she was sure.  
  
"uh, nothing, she said. catch ya later." Susan dismissed it and started reviewing charts as Carter nodded leaving for the  
board.  
  
  
_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_  
  
ABout an hour later, Carter was sat in a room suturing a hand lac of some old woman.  
  
"Dr Carter-are you sure this won't hurt?"  
  
"Well-you may feel some discomfort for a couple of days Mrs Whitley but I'm giveing you some  
pain medication which sh...sh...sh..."  
  
Carter froze. He couldn't get his words out.  
  
"Dr Carter?"  
  
"Ugh....ah..." He couldn't talk. He felt the room start to spin. He got up and ran out of the room leaving behind a very confused  
patient.  
  
Carter ran to the washrom and wet his face. He slowly regained his speech and faculties. But he was severely shaken.  
  
*What's wrong with me?*  
  
_+_+__+_+_+_+_+_  
  
Meanwhile, Mark and Susan were having a converstaion in the Cafeteria. It seemed there was was one last thing MArk  
had not told her about what happened since she'd left. And today, for no real reason, he decided to tell her.  
  
"...so there you go. That's how it was." He finnished.  
  
"Woah-I can't believe it Mark, a brain tumour. I mean, heck I'm just glad you beat it."  
  
"yeah I got lucky-alot of people don't. It just really brings it home though. It always the sort of thing you just don't  
see it coming. It just hits you outta the blue. It's so ...sensless. And it can happen to anyone."  
  
"Mark?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'm glad you're OK! ANd I'm glad you told me. "  
  
The two embraced, and in a way-Susan felt almost glad she hadn't been here all this time. She didn't know how she'd  
have coped with all the tragedies that seemed to have hit the er folk.  
  
_+_+_+_+__+_+_+_+_+_  
  
Later that day, Carter was upstairs in a clinique-speaking with a fellow physician, Dr. Albright.  
  
"And you say these head aches have become more and more frequent over the last couple of months, Dr Carter?"  
  
"Yeah-and today i-I couldn't speak. i mean it was scary. I thought I'd better check it out."  
  
"Well-I'd like to do an MRI and a Cat scan. If you'll follow me."  
  
Carter spent the afternoon taling scans and all sorts of tests. The whole time he wa petrified-and didn't dare mention anything to Abby or anyone  
for that matter. He waited in the grey waiting room. He had told Weaver that he had a mandatory psych evaluation in connection with  
his addiction-and she had of course goven him the afternoon off. He didn't dare think of the dark possibilities.  
  
Finally after what seemed an eternity, Dr Albright returned with the verdict.  
  
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To be continued.....  
  
Please R&R -All feedback welcome! baby jen Xx 


	5. If Heaven is on the way

Chapter 5: Heaven is on the way.  
___________________________  
  
"I'm afraid it's not good Dr. Carter."  
  
Carter closed his eyes-not daring to contemplate what would come next.  
  
Carter spoke quietly-his voice quivering slightly.  
  
"Wh-what is it?"  
  
"A brain tumour".  
  
  
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Carter left the brief meting with Dr Albright stunned and in a daze. The earth seemed to move beneath his feet as he took   
slow hesitant footsteps to the roof.  
  
*How am i going to tell Abby* He thought miserably. *What am I supposed to say?*  
  
As he opened the door to the roof, he saw Abby sitting there lookign pensive. The sunlight lit up her hair-she looked like an angel  
to him...the cigarette in her hand sort of spoilt the angelic image though.  
  
"Abby." he said in a neutral tone.  
  
She looked up at him-her hands figgeting nervously.  
  
"John-we, we need to talk."  
  
Carter looked at her slightly puzzled-she couldn't have knon about the tumour already.  
  
"Uh, OK." He said nervously -as he sat opposite her. The ominour look on her face was a clear ign; this was not  
good news.  
  
Abby put out her cigareete and took his hand.  
  
"Carter-John, I need to....to be honest with you. For most  
of my life-all i can really remember is being unhappy-and, and I just so desperately wanted to just be happy that I...well  
I, I wanted so much to believe that you could ..."  
  
"Abby-what are you trying to say?" John said simply.  
  
"I-I ....I don't want to marry you."  
  
John closed his eyes and took his hand away from hers. Abby began to cry.  
  
"John-ple.please don't b-be mad, but let's be honest we're not really right together. We're great friends-we've always been there for eachother.  
But-as a couple, it's one thing ahnging out and making love....but o be married-we'd need to be more, more compatible, I guess.  
It wouldn't work. You have your Familly obligations, I barely know my familly really. I like dead flower-sad and dark is beautiful to me,  
but you see it as somehing wrong that you have to put right. I like to just sit at home, you..."  
  
"Abby-I can't make you marry me. If that's the way you really feel-then it couldn;t work. But-I just wanna know.  
Whya didn't you tell me this a long time ago. Why-why did you agree to marry me?" John said raising his voice somewhat.  
  
"sigh...I told you. I've always been unhappy. I just wanted to believe that marrying you would *make* me happy-I wanted  
to believe it so I....I'm sorry John."  
  
Carter closed his eyes again and stood up.   
  
"Just go." He said quietly.  
  
Abby wiped her eyes and and understood. It was over. She picked up her cigarettes and left. Carter remained alone on the roof top.  
No tears came. No words either. He just stared over the city. His hands in his pocket. His life as he knew it was over.   
  
Thinking it over now, he knew she was right. If Abby was guilty of leading him on-then he too was guilty of the same crime. Like her-he'd   
just wanted so badly to be happy again. Really happy. So he'd convinced himself that he was in love with Abby. She'd  
been great helping him through the whole addiction thing-she'd practically saved his life. For that he loved her...  
but he wasn't IN love with her. They were just two lonely people-looking for a happier life. He couldn't really be mad at her.  
  
He'd never really acknowledged that until now. Just as well, now he thought about it. He didn't want to dwell on it.  
He didn't have time. What good would it do...when you have 10 weeks to live?  
  
  
  
***********************************  
You in the dark, you in the pain, you on the run.   
Living a hell, living your ghost, living your end.   
Never seem to get in the place, that I belong.   
Don't wanna loose the time, loose the time to come   
  
  
...If heaven is on the way, if heaven is on the way.   
  
You in the sea, on a decline, breaking the waves.   
Watching the lights go down, letting the cables sleep.   
  
  
...If heaven is on the way,   
  
If heaven is on the way,   
If heaven is on the way.   
  
  
Heaven is on the way.  
************************************  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED....  
Hope you're still with me guys, lyrics taken are extracts from the song: Letting the cables sleep. (BUSH) 


	6. As time runs out

Chapter 6: As time runs out.  
_______________________  
  
News of Carter and Abby's breaking up spread through the ER pretty fast. SOme were sad-some were relieved. None quite so  
,however, as Susan Lewis.   
  
*This is my chance* she thought happilly.   
  
The news of John's brain tumour-however-was a secret shared by only two people in the world; John-and his doctor. John did not want anyone   
to know. He had less than 10 weeks left-he didn't want to spend it as the subject of everyone's pity. He had enough of that in   
his (brief) lifetime.   
  
*Time* he thought sadly. *There's simply never enough of it.*  
  
He continued to work at the hospital, to go home everyday to Gamma's as though nothing had changed. Though the people  
around him sensed something seemed wrong-they merely passed it off as 'the break up blues'. No-one had any  
idea about the tumour. And that was the way John wanted it.  
  
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()))()()()()()()()()()())()()()  
  
Susan left it for a couple of weeks upon hearing Abby and Carter's break up before making her move. She had waited so long  
for this. She didn't want to rush things-but for some inexplicable reason- she had nagging feeling in her heart that she shouldn't  
leave things to long. For some reason she felt as though time was of the essence.  
  
Finally, one evening when she knew both Carter and she were free, she invited him to go to dinner under the guise of friendship-  
intending to confess her feelings for him.  
  
Susan took a long hot shower. She dried, dressed and then selected a simple but tasteful pair of black trousers and paired it with a  
crisp white 3/4 length open collar shirt. Feeling a little like a waiter she grabbed a coloured scarf to soften the look.   
She dotted on some lip gloss and a couple of coats of mascara.  
  
*God-I'm acting like such a teenager* she giggled to herself.   
  
Suddenly the door rang.  
  
*hmm...can't be Carter-he's an hour early.*  
  
She looked cautiously through the peep hole. She saw Carter standing here.  
She opened the door to see Carter-soaked to the bone from the rain-his eyes blood shot. HE looked like he'd been crying.  
  
"JOHN-WHAT's WRONG?" she cried.  
  
He said nothing-then he tried to explain something she couldn't quite understand. He stuttered and stammered uncontrollably  
before falling to the floor. He went into convulsions and began shaking uncontrollably. Susan yelled at a passer by to call for  
an ambulance as she attended to John-her heart pounding all the while as she screamed.  
  
"JOHN-JOHN CAN YOU HEAR ME?? JOHN........."  
  
  
************************************************************  
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself   
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands  
Love lies bleeding...   
************************************************************  
  
"JOHN, JOOOOHN..."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.  
Please R&R folks so I know you're still interested!! Many thanx-Baby Jen Xx  
  
AN: Lyrics were taken from Hemorrage-FUEL. 


	7. One sweet day

Chapter 7:  
  
__________________  
  
The next thing Carter knew-he woke up in Trauma room 1. He looked around him. Kerry was there-Malik and of course Susan.  
He realised Susan was holding his hand-which he thought nothing of to be honest.  
  
"Wh-what happened?" he asked grogilly.  
  
"You had a seizure, John, but your vitals are stable and everything seems to be OK now. But you had us worried there for  
a while!"  
  
"I-I need to g-go, I wanna leave-I..."  
  
"John-be reasonable, you're not ready to go...." Susan was interrupted by John's screaming...  
  
"NO-LET ME LEAVE I DON'T WANNA DIE HERE, PLEASE-LET ME LEA..."  
  
John tried to get up as Kerry and Malik pushed him back into the bed-as Susan watched her eyes wide with horror and confusion.  
  
"Give him 5 of Haldol, Malik." remarked Kerry quietly, sensing something was seriously wrong. "Now John"  
she said quietly "just try to relax and get some sleep...".  
  
"No-n,no-I c-ca-t-tumo,,"  
  
John began to shake and stutter as he had before-but this time instead of going into a fit he collapsed back onto the bed and passed out.  
  
Kerry and Susan looked at eachother with concern etched across their faces. What was wrong with him?  
  
()()(()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(  
  
An hour later Gamma Carter was at her Grand son's bed side. Carter had reawakened. She held his hand and begged him to tell her what the matter  
was. He insisted continuously that he was fine. Finally she gave up-as he fell asleep one more time.  
  
Her heart ached for her beloved grandson. Why? Why John-how much more was he to endure in his lifetime?  
  
Meanwhile Susan sat nursing a cup of coffee outside John's room. She saw Milicent Carter walk down the hall way discussing John's condition with Kerry Weaver.  
Susan got up and walked into Carter's room.  
  
She saw him lying there. Like a helpless child. His eyes closed to the world. His face-normally so  
alive and caring-was a pale lifeless colour. She took his hand in hers and held it against her face as she closed her eyes.  
  
"John-John please, what is wrong? Don't you know how much I love you? How much I care? Talk to me."  
  
As though he heard her-his eyes opened slowly. He looked up at her saddened face. And saw her tears.  
  
"Susan-please, d-don't cry." he said earnestly.  
  
She could take it nolonger. She through her arms around him and began to sob.   
  
"Carter-John! I love you so much. I came back because of you. you're all I've thoguth about for so long-I love you so much  
, you're the most wonderful man I've ever known. Even if you don't love me-I still want to be here for you-please  
tell me what's wrong."  
  
"Lucy-have you sutured the leg lac in 4?"  
  
"Wh-what?" Susan thought she heard him wrong.  
  
"Come-on Luce, I told you about it ages ago." said Carter slighly annoyed.  
  
Susan slipped her hand away slightly and left the room.  
She sat on the floor just outside. Put her hands to her face and cried.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with him?" she asked herself quietly.  
  
"He has a brain tumour." a voice replied.  
  
Susan looked up to see Kerry standing above her.   
  
"Tests just came back-and we confirmed it with Dr Albright upstairs. It seems John's known about it for the last 3 weeks.  
The best he can hope for is 7 more...weeks. At best."  
  
Susan said nothing. She felt the bile rise up in her throat-as she fought back the urge to vomit. Her stomach turned-her heart  
pounded as she let out a cry of anguish.   
  
Kerry helped Susan up into a hug and both women cried bitterly into eachother's arms. Finally they broke apart as Kerry went to   
deliver the tragic news to Carter's Grandmother.  
  
________________________________  
  
Susan stood wearilly outside the door to Carters room. She watched as Millicent Carter-normally so reserved and in control  
broke down completely as Kerry tried her hardest not to cry herself while comforting her.  
  
Susan could not bear to watch. She walked into Carter's room. She saw him looking at her.   
  
"Carter?" she spoke quietly as their eyes met.  
  
"Lucy? Can you come here for a moment, please." Carter asked-almost chldlike in his innocence.  
  
Tears streamed across Susan's face as she approached his bedside-playing along.  
  
"O-of course". she choked. "w-what is it."  
  
"I'm sorry about giving you such a hard time Lucy." John said. He took Susan's hand.  
  
"Luce-I, I think you were right-maybe, maybe opposites DO attract!"  
  
Susan stared back at him confused as Carter continued to talk.  
  
"Lucy- LUCY NO!!!!!!!!!! LUCY WAKE UP CAN YOU HEAR ME, LUCY??????"  
  
Susan screamed for help as Carter began to scream and shake her.  
  
"LUCY-I'M SO SORRY, PLEASE DON'T DIE-YOU CAN;T DIE THIS IS MY FAULT. OH LUCE-PLEASE  
WAKE UP, I LOVE YOU-DO YOU HEAR ME I LOVE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME...LUCE, LUCE PLEASE..."  
  
Noone heard the screams. Then all of a sudden the room seemed to light up. Carter stopped. His eyes seemed to brighten. He smiled  
as he looked beyond Susan. He seemed to see someone -to hear someone talking to him. Susan looked but could see no one.  
  
  
"Luce-you're OK?"  
  
*Yes, John. I'm OK."  
  
Susan could have sworn she could hear who John was talking to. She could have sworn she could hear the faint voice of a young woman.  
  
"We-we're OK?" asked John. The mysterious voice replied.  
  
*Yes John-we are. It's time to go now. Are you ready?"  
  
"We-we can be together now?" asked John innocently and simply.  
  
*Yes-always.*  
  
"I'm ready Lucy."  
  
Susan looked back at John. He let go of her hand and lay down. His eyes were alive with his beautiful spirit. His face nolonger pale.  
He beamed radiantly.   
  
"let's go!" he said softly to the invisable visitor.   
  
Then he closed his eyes...and then he was gone.   
  
Susan walked over to his side. She switched off the monitor. She wiped a strand of hair away from his face and  
kissed his forehead.  
  
  
"Good bye my love." She said softly.   
  
  
  
*****************  
Sorry-I never I told you,  
All that I wanted to say,  
  
Sorry I took your presence for granted,  
But I always cared,  
  
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven,  
  
And I know eventually we'll be together,  
One sweet day.  
  
One sweet day.-(Mariah Carey)  
******************  
  
  
THE END-OR IS IT?? 


	8. Hard to say I'm sorry

AN: I know it's been a while but I due to popular response i have updated my fic-and there's more to come. I hope  
you like it. The song words are from "Without you* and "Hard to say I'm sorry". (CHicago)  
  
  
=========================================  
  
At that moment the door opened and Mark walked in to find Susan standing over Carter-with his monitor switched off.  
  
"What the fu...why is his monitor off??" demanded Mark.  
  
"Mark he just went quietly about 10 seconds ago." said Susan in eerily quiet voice.  
  
"What? then there's still time. We can still save him-switch that monitor on."  
  
"Mark-for God's sake he only has 7 weeks left-you want to torture him by putting him through more pain than he's   
already seen?..."   
  
"Susan step aside-I know what I'm talking about he can beat it. If I beat it Carter sure as hell can. He's not giving up now.  
I NEED HELP IN HERE, HALEH, DAVE get in here now. Come on Carter-don' give up man."  
  
The room was flooded with doctors as Mark switched the monitor back on and prepared the paddles.  
  
"Charge to 50, CLEAR!!"  
  
No response as the room went silent with fear.  
  
"Charge to 80."  
  
The people in the room held their breath and said a silent prayer.  
  
"CLEAR!!"  
  
*beep....*beep*....  
  
"It's captured-WE GOT HIM BACK!-Good job everyone."  
  
The room errupted into shouts of joy and relief. Then silence as they realised that they may have won this battle for Carter.  
But in just seven more weeks Carter would lose the war...for life.  
  
Mark turned around to speak to Susan but she was suddenly no where to be found.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Susan literally ran out of the hospital. She caught the EL home and literaly collapsed onto the sofa. Sobs racked her body  
for she was not certain what to do now. God knows what Mark thought. And Carter-alive. But should he be?  
He had 7 weeks left Kerry had said. They'd saved him from what? A more painful death down the line?   
  
God-when that monitor stopped beating she thought she'd died too. Part of her wanted to grab the paddles and save him   
herself. But she just couldn't. In those moments-he suddenly seemed so ...so peaceful. Like he'd found where he wanted  
to be. With *her*. She didn't have the heart to bring back to a world which had brought little other than pain. She loved him  
too much to do that.  
  
*It would have been selfish* she thought. *WHen you love someone-you only want them to be happy. Even if it comes at   
the expense of your own happiness.*  
  
Suddenly she heard a knock at the door.  
  
She opened it and found Kerry there.  
  
Susan opened her mouth to speak but just collapsed into the arms of the other doctor.  
  
  
***************************  
I can't live, if living is without you.  
I can't live, I can't give anymore.  
***************************  
  
  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
[Back at the hospital...]  
  
"Carter? Carter it's me, Peter."  
  
Peter Benton looked at the stirring face of the younger doctor with concern. How much more could one man  
take?  
  
"Carter it's OK man-I'm here. I'm here." said Peter softly as he took the younger mans hand in his.  
  
"I-I...what happened?"  
  
"Shhh...just get some rest for now. I'll wait here with you." replied Peter not knowing how to explain what happened earlier.  
  
At that moment Mark walked in the door.  
  
"Can I have a minute wih him alone?" He asked looking at Peter.  
  
"Yeah man-I'll be right outside." siad Peter as he slowly got up and left the room.  
  
Mark took the seat just next to Carter's bed where Benton had just been sitting.  
  
"How you doin' Carter?"  
  
"I've been better." Carter replied with a half smile on his face.  
  
"Silly question I guess. " replied Mark . "Carter-you can't give up without a fight. Look at me. You think I'd be here if I'd just  
taken the advice of that first doctor and just sat around waiting to die? You gotta get out there and at least try to  
do what you can to beat this -you owe it to yourself. Come on man-you didn't let being stabbed be he last of you.  
You didn't let your addiction be the last of you. AND your sure as hell not gonna let this be the last of you-at least not without  
a damn good fight. Talk to my doctor. I can cal him right now.Come on Carter-you're a fighter..."  
  
"Yeah-well maybe I'm tired of fighting. " said Carter with a sigh.  
  
Mark looked him in the eyes.  
  
"Carter-if it were anyone else, I might believe they meant that. But I don't believe you. I don't think you're  
ready to give up yet. If you want-just say the word and I'll call my doctor. "  
  
Mark stood up and turned to leave when he saw a tall and distinguished looking man at the door to carter's room.  
  
"Can I help you sir?" enquired Mark.  
  
"I'm here to see my son." replied the gentleman in a sombre tone. Carter's head looked up in recognition of the voice. His  
father's voice.  
  
"Dad!?" he exclaimed in shock.  
  
"Oh God-John!" the older man's voice cracked in shock at the sight of his youngest...his *only* son lying  
helplessly on a bed. He remembered this scene all too well. It had been 20 years since he'd delt with such a scene.  
Since he'd lost Bobby. And now God wanted to take away his only remaining son. Why?   
  
Roland Carter walked up to the bed and threw his arms around the poor form-embracing him as tears welled up in his  
eyes. He angrilly blinked them away-but he felt his son's body sob against his own and he could nolonger fight back the tears.  
  
Ever since Bobby's death he had distanced himself from John. And now-he wished to God he hadn't. Hadn't let his  
wife envelope him in her own emotionles world. Hadn't turned away from his son the time's he'd needed him the most.  
Why? Why did it have to be this way?  
  
"Dad-D-dad I'm so sorry." wept Carter clinging onto his father in a way he hadn't done since he'd been 8 years old.  
  
"Son-I'm sorry. I-I'm so sorry..." cried his father. "I'm so sorry..."  
  
  
  
***************************************  
After all that we've been through,  
I will make it up to you,  
I promise you...  
It's so hard to say I'm sorry.  
***************************************  
  
  
  
His father stood back a little and loked into his son's eyes. They were once so full of life. Now they were sad  
and desperately tired. He dried his eyes with a hankercheif and then wipe the tears away from his son's eyes.   
  
"Son-You can beat this." Roland said with heartfelt determination.  
  
"Dad-you don't understand..."  
  
"I don't need to know the medical side-I know YOU. You are the strongest young man...You've done so much-and without  
the support of loving parents. You...we denied you our time...our love. And yet you never gave up. You can't give up now.  
YOU can beat this. Because I believe you can. Of all people...I believe in *you*. You can beat this."  
  
For whatever reason, Carter believed him. He believed in himself.   
  
He looked and saw Mark still waiting in the room-moved by what he had just seen. John beckoned him over and cleared his   
throat.  
  
"Call him."  
  
  
===========================================================  
  
TO BE CONTINUED............  
Please R&R 


	9. If I should die before I wake.

AN: Thanks for letting me know John's dad's name is really Jack!!!!  
  
  
===========================================================================================  
  
  
  
  
It had all happened so fast.   
  
First Mark called his doctor. The next thing Carter knew he was being flown to New York to meet with Dr Kotlovitz for a consult.  
  
  
And now here he was. A few days later. Waiting to go into surgery. An awake Craneotomy-just like Mark.   
  
And just like Mark; he was horrified.  
  
  
  
His father had accompanied him to New York and sat with him now. Jack looked at his son now itting on the bed  
draped in a hospital gown. His lovely hair cut off. His eyes so full of fear-he seemed so bewildered.  
So lost-almost child like.  
  
Of course John's mother had remained at home-she hadn't wanted to deal with any 'scenes' so she'd not seen him.  
Jack knew it hurt his son-but didn't talk about it. She'd never really been much of a mother to John-why would she change   
now? If she'd wanted to change she'd have done so when John was stabbed. When he went to rehab. She would never   
change. She had died with bobby. And now all that was left was a hollow shell. A shadow of her former self.  
  
"Penny for your thoughts?" said John softly noticing his father deep in thought.  
  
"Oh-I was just wondering when the anesthesiologist is going to get here." lied Jack.  
  
"Dad?"  
  
"Yes son."  
  
"If -if something goes ...wrong. I don't want any ventilators. Please..."  
  
"Son..."  
  
"I'm serious. Please-I I don;t want to live like that." said Carter almost in a whisper.  
  
Jack took his son's hand in his and looked into his eyes.  
  
"John-nothing is going to go wrong. You're going to be OK. " then he added. "I understand."  
  
The two men embraced, and awaited what was to come.  
  
  
  
************************************  
As I lay me down to sleep,  
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,  
If I should die before I wake,  
I pray the Lord my soul to take.  
************************************  
  
  
  
Suddenly Jack notice that tears had begun to roll down Johns face. Silent little streams faling from   
a pair of lifeless eyes.  
  
"Son-Son what is it?" exclaimed Jack as he threw his arms aound his only son.  
  
"I-I'm scared-I'm so scared. D-Damnit. " wept Carter as he buried his face into his father's chest.  
  
"I-I'm scared o-of dying, I'm scared of-n-not dying. I-I'm scared of ending up like a freaking vegetable like  
Chaise. O-of n-never ....I c-can't do this. Why? Whay the hell does it always have to be so damn  
hard-why? Am I a horrible person, is that why God punnishes me so? First the stabbing, then ...oh what's the use.  
I'd be better of dead...."  
  
"SON-don't say that, it's not true. You matter so much to so many people. Please we all care about you."  
  
"What if I die today? I'd die before ever ...being l-loved. I know you love me-and deep down mum probably does too.  
But...You know Dad-when Gamps died, And Gamma looked on  
at him, at the man she'd loved all her life...it hit me. No one would care like that If I died. Not like that."  
  
  
"I'd care" said soft voice from the door way.  
  
Carter and his father looked up and John exclaimed in surprise.  
  
"S-Susan?"  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
To be continued.  
Please R&R  
  
  
  
  
========================================================================================== 


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